Right on Hereford, Left on Boylston

I had to take a breather after watching it today! That was awesome! Nice effort, Michiganders! It was good to see Desi and Ritz lead for awhile :D They come from a great place to run with an amazing running scene and that place deserves some credit.

If I’m not running Boston, I’m yelling at my TV and computer for the whole thing. Plus, we had a pretty good Facebook thread going among my friends as usual. ha. :D

I needed Boston more this year more than ever. I may not be in a location I want to live forever right now, but I am at altitude and feel like I want to race again for the first time in awhile. I’m mentally back due to the race plan I have laid out, which will let me travel to places I love and see good friends. After years of losing control of my running to others and feeling like I was running because I had to, I needed a clear mind and Boston to remember again where it all started.

I began in cross country and track and did it because I was good at it and therefore thought I had to keep doing it. It was a combination of self-inflicted pressure and guilt combined with a need to find some identity as a teenager throughout junior high and high school. So, I would get insanely tense for races because if I didn’t win, I wasn’t living up to my potential and I was nobody in my head. It was a really unhealthy way to be but those years of junior high and high school got me to where I needed to be because, during that time, I had an amazing coach who told me I’d be good at marathons and should run Boston. I never forgot that. His words made me want to run for me, not just to tack on another school win. I wish I had thanked him before he passed away.

The Boston Marathon is my home course and I grew up watching it. Uta Pippig was my first hero and I couldn’t sit still watching her race. I would run around the block during commercial breaks as a kid just to release some energy. Pippig used to smile like crazy when she raced and that’s what I loved about her. Her waves and interactions with the crowd just said so clearly how much she was in love with racing and with Boston. And because of that, she became a legend. I wanted to be her.

Right after my last high school race, I did my first marathon training run. I was clueless and didn’t measure anything. I thought maybe about an hour and 45 minutes on a hilly loop once a week would be “good ’nuff” for a marathon. I probably ran about 50 miles a week from May to October. No speed work either. I qualified in my first attempt and I did it in horrible pain. I learned to respect the marathon that day.

After that race, I got in my car and measured my “Long Run”. It was 13.2 miles. At age 18, I ran about a 3:16 marathon only half-arse trained and in shoes that had already been through my senior year of track and cross country. I just remember somewhere around mile 16, a cop was talking to a bystander and he said, “Yeah, most people just do this race to qualify for Boston.” and I hammered through with a big smile just on that reminder alone. It’s all mental with me and Boston brings me back to my running “happy place” every time I watch or run it.

I ran my first Boston in 2001 and I don’t even remember it as running. I felt like I was flying. Nothing hurt. I couldn’t stop smiling. I hugged girls at Wellesley. I gave the ground a kiss at Heartbreak Hill with another older woman who I teamed up with for a few miles. I ran all the way down Boylston Street smiling and waving with my arms up and looking for my family. I finished in 3:11:28 using the beginner marathon training plan on the BAA website. Just writing this still gives me happy tears. That’s what running was for me. And it wasn’t that way for long enough.

Before handing over my running to others (clubs, coaches, sponsors…), all I wanted to run every year was Boston and NYC…and anything else BAA related ;) That’s what I did for a bit in the beginning and it made me happy. I ran well and I didn’t go overboard in training. I ran because I liked it and that’s all.

Somewhere along the way, I decided to take part large, poorly planned out, race circuit via a local club. I got a uniform and some shoes here and there with some small prize money. I did this for about a decade. I couldn’t see it at the time, but it wasn’t worth some free stuff to give up what I wanted to run and race. I burned myself out and got injured repetitively doing races I hated on a schedule that was based on club politics rather than the health of runners. I don’t blame anybody. It was my own choice. But, watching Boston and being away from all that makes things clear again that I want to return to what I like to do. Free stuff, money, times and winning never mattered to me as much as seeing the finish line of certain races I love.

I remember one woman who ran all over my hometown. I would know it was her because she had really long hair never pulled back in a ponytail, was always running alone and was always running pretty fast on some very hilly routes. She was seen by a lot of people I ran with but nobody knew her. One day, my running partner told me she caught up to her on the roads and asked her to race for us. The woman refused and said that she just likes to run. I never forgot that because that’s how I had been. If I wanted to race I did. If I just wanted to run for fun, I did. No pressure. I wish I had known myself better and stuck with my own running rather than think I had to constantly train with others even if it wasn’t a good fit for me. Instead, I lost touch with my running style and went overboard in competition because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I had become that high school kid with the guilt and pressure again instead of giving myself the time and space to grow into a mature runner.

If you look at the lives of the best pros, elites and right down to hobby joggers, you see it’s the happy ones that get somewhere while those that put pressure on themselves and get into their heads too much, crash. I’ve known so many who disappeared, me included.

Desi is amazing and yet another runner with a pretty good life. If you follow her at all, she’s pretty open about how normal she keeps her life. She recently got married and she lives in probably the most awesome running state to exist too. I was on the west coast of Michigan for just a few days last year and met a few members of a running team in Kalamazoo hanging out in the hotel. In less than 10 minutes, they gave me all the info needed to be hooked up with the team and all the major race directors in the area. Totally open about inviting me in. Just the most welcoming people there and it felt like I would have had instant running buddies. A member of that team even won the beer mile in Austin this year! I can see why Desi and Ritz stay there to live and train.

I ran happy while living in the Midwest with a great club for a few years too. I wish a job had kept me there but I chose to work in Boulder instead for altitude. I know I won’t stay forever though because I especially miss humidity, rain, feet of snow and tree-lined streets. I love tough weather since I grew up in that living in New England. It made me a tough runner and they got it in Kzoo but, like the club I ran with in Indiana for a bit, they also have a healthier, more friendly approach to running than what I was in at home. That Midwest running scene just makes sense to me.

Ritz is self-coached and I really like seeing this trend grow. I can imagine being back home around family rather than in an elite running hub, really is mentally helpful too. We’re not all cut out to be in the running communes. Nobody knows you better than yourself and with just some basic research, you can train yourself to some pretty good times.

So many coaches can’t be trusted since they are in it for the money or attention lately. It takes nothing to become a coach – no certifications, training or experience, just the ability to self-market. It seems to attract people looking for easy cash. They’re not all like this though. I had great coaches in junior high, high school and college, but those were teams that needed guidance to work together. One great thing those coaches did often was let the student captains take the lead because they were a part of the team and knew it best. The coaches were also full-time teachers and professors too, and not just out to make money. They just loved the sport.

On the other end of the spectrum, I also had a coach who basically just ripped me off. He found me when I was already fast and didn’t change my training plans but was more focused on isolating me from family and friends and even a personal trainer I was working with claiming that supervised strength training was a waste of time. He was big on controlling my personal life all in the name of becoming a real “elite”. He wanted to make sure everything I accomplished, belonged to him. He wasn’t reliable and would disappear for weeks in the middle of heavy training leaving me nervous. He was good at making me, a once very independent runner, dependent. I wasn’t a happy or pleasant person to be around during this time. My running went downhill within months of changing my lifestyle to fit this coach’s plan but I didn’t even realize how much I had changed at the time. Looking back, I was a sucker with heavy self-doubts and I made it worse by choosing to work with the first independent coach to come along. I fell to subtle control that I didn’t see until years later. I know I wasn’t the only one who got caught up in this or still is. Just be careful, if you do choose a coach. Talk therapy really helped with some of the more major issues that happened during this time. There’s no shame in asking for help :)

I even tried to coach for a little while making custom plans based on times and mileage and just felt guilty because the people I coached didn’t need one. They thought they did because they often lacked confidence like I did when I had an independent coach. Lack of confidence is what a lot of scam coaches prey upon. Most of these coaches don’t even run. Most just copy plans they’ve found online or use what you’re already doing. Despite trying to coach for real, I never will again but, like so many other runners, I share what works for me if asked and I learn from other happy, successful runners around me. So, I’m glad to see that even the pros are taking running back into their own hands.

During today’s race there was another quick mention of the womens’ wheelchair division winner and her lack of a sponsor. This can also be a very good thing since some sponsors demand too much control over their athletes. Of course, there are good ones but it can be a risk. This woman was accepted to grad school and has a life outside of wheelchair racing but she still did a great job today a freekin’ winning Boston! Having a controlling sponsor could be incredibly disruptive to her life outside of racing.

I’ve had both good and bad cases of getting money and gear to run. My clothes and shoe deal with a national brand just required me to race a few times a year, which was great to balance with my desire to work full time and have other hobbies. I also had some money and gear from a small running store which was basically the same way. I finally hit a wall when I took on a sponsor with no contract or rules (sounds great, right?) but ended up demanding a lot of control later on despite not having it. That pressure lead to me racing through anemia and crashing for a long time. I finally shook off this sponsor and really never looked for another one after that. I took a good, long, much needed break from competitive running to get healthy again. I prefer supporting myself and looking at any money that comes from running as a perk. Rearranging life, work, and ruining my health for a small stipend was a huge mistake.

So, sitting here, watching Boston, healthy and in pretty good shape again, I’m back to the start. I like full control over my running and I want to race whatever I want to race. I’m not sitting here obsessing over nationals, money, Olympic Trials or club race circuits. I have a balanced life that relieves the running pressure. I’m thinking about what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to go back to Boston and NYC and other fun races that I like. I want to do that on my time and be happy with my performances without people looking over my shoulder making sure I’m making them look good. I’m also thinking about all the things I have going on outside of racing now and what I’ll have in the upcoming years.

My hard work doesn’t belong to anybody else but me again. When that was taken away from me, I didn’t want to work anymore. I don’t believe in others stealing credit for another person’s months and years of training. Nobody needs an entourage to go for a run but when you find those good running buddies, hold on to them because they’ll be your real coaches and give you something more valuable than any stipend.

See you again soon, Boston. :)